I love these two fiercely. The three of us make up our family and so far, it’s been pretty great. Even with all the tough times, it’s an overall great. On most days, our family feels complete. I love lavishing my attention on Ninjette, but also having time for my own pursuits. I also am appreciating and really trying to amp up time that I spend with Ninja so that we can stay connected as a couple.
But, when I see a new baby, a pregnant belly, or hear the cry of our neighbor’s baby, I feel this pull in my heart. I don’t know if it’s a maternal thing or if it’s because I feel like our family needs another little one in the mix.
There is nothing like having your first child. It’s something that you can’t do over again and the newness of being parents is really this life altering moment. It sometimes feels like this strange reset button of your life where nothing is what it was before. Then, there come the days where you wish it would just be over so your kid can finally go to bed and you can watch tv til your eyes fall out (or whatever your personal wind down escape is). Oddly enough, at the same time, you wish you could slow down time so that you can savor that particular age a little bit longer. It could make you go a little nuts.
Ninjette is at age 4 and as much as she sometimes drives me up the wall, I want to stop her from getting any older. I want to keep a little bit of the baby part in her – the innocence, the hugs and kisses, the desire to want to be best friends with me, and all the rest that comes with being curious and 4, minus all the crazy that she brings time to time.
It would be so great to have all of that again (well, maybe not the up all night kind of stuff) and for Ninjette to have a sibling (she would be a great sister), but I am scared to death.
I’m scared because it’s yet another life that is entrusted in my hands. Another life that I will have to potty train (OMG, if I do have another, someone please come and potty train my kid because I am a terrible potty trainer). Another life that I will have to look after and make sure they grow up okay.
I have these moments where I am so impatient and I just want to run out of the house because I cannot answer another question, run another load of laundry, come up with another meal, and be mom and wife. Sometimes, I just want to wear one hat and go on a beach vacation. By myself. Coming from an extrovert and a person with FOMO, it’s huge that I want to be anywhere by myself! But that feeling really frightens me. It makes me feel inadequate as a mother.
Sometimes my life feels a bit like a tailspin right now. It didn’t feel that way before, but these days, it really feels like that. I have so many moments where I feel like I am going to barely make it. All of these things – they scare me. It makes me feel even less capable as a mom, wife, friend. My capacity is just not as great as some other moms that I see around me. They juggle multiple children, careers, friends, outside hobbies, and the like. Me? I am not juggling much, yet it still feels like there are so many balls in the air.
It’s this constant back and forth. I feel like less of a mother because I am a mother to only one child and not multiples. I feel Korean guilt for not having produced a male heir or siblings because Ninjette will be all alone when we’re all gone. I feel, most of the time, that the three of us is just right. I feel my heart break every time I see a child who doesn’t have a home and I want to take each one of them in and smother them in love. I feel, at times, that I am a better mother because I have just the one – giving me time to be the woman that my daughter can look up to, be proud of, and want to emulate.
How can something that can give you so much joy also give you so much heart ache and also scare the [email protected]$! out of you like nothing else?
In the meanwhile, I will love my only child with all of my heart and be the best mom to her. At the end of the day, it really only matters to her.
How did you decide on how many children were right for you and your family? Were you an only child or did you have siblings? Did that influence you in how many children you ended up having or wanting to have?
Thanks for listening to my Truth Tuesday’s discombobulated thoughts. It’s the extrovert’s way of trying to figure it all out. 😉