This is our only kid and she might be the only one we raise. (Although, she has been asking for a baby brother lately.) But I have a serious problem. I love my daughter too much and I think it’s a bad thing.
On most days, I don’t even think about it. However, I have moments where I have my silent panic attacks and hidden freak outs when I think about Ninjette not being in my life. I hate hearing about the tragedies that happen to children – whether it be at school, while they are walking, driving, anything. It takes me to this weird place where I can’t breathe when I think, “What if this happens to NInjette?” I know I shouldn’t think this, but sometimes, I will be watching the news or even a movie where the mother is trying to carry on after her child dies because of a terrible accident, and then down that terrible rabbit hole I go.
I’ve been having these moments more and more recently. I’m not sure why. Maybe because life just seems more frail to me these days? I really have no idea why – it’s been perplexing and slightly concerning to me.
I also have this feeling that I shouldn’t hold on to her so tightly, but there is a part of me that can’t help it. I want to hold on to her super tightly. I don’t want to ever let her go. When she’s old and having her own children, I know I will still see her as my little 4 year old girl. I can’t even find the words right now to describe the feeling that is in my heart. It feels like it’s going to explode.
Even on the bad days and when she’s extremely annoying and testing my boundaries, I still love her with that crazy intensity. It’s a bit of a new and strange feeling to me. I’ve always loved her, but not like this.
I’ve been trying hard to not think this way and not to have my little freak outs, but it hits me at all sorts of times – when I’m putting her to bed, when I hear her reading and talking with her dad, when I see her running off in front of me to school… like tonight. It hit me hard tonight when she was giving me her usual “nose” kisses.
I don’t want it to be a smothering love, of course. I want it to be a love that gives her a secure place where she can truly blossom into her own person. I’ve been trying hard to keep it all in check, but some days, it’s hard and it feels too overwhelming. But for now, as I think about her, I’m so glad that she is in our lives. She definitely makes it better.