My heart weighs heavy. The past week has brought sad news in many ways to me. There are moments where it overwhelms me and I have to take a moment to collect myself. I seem to be constantly reminding myself of the positive. My music choices accurately reflect the sadness that seems to be enveloping me lately – songs of melancholy, heartbreak, rainy days and tears.
In the past, I would have wallowed and let my feelings consume me. I would let tears wash over me like a tidal wave and bury myself in blankets. Today, though, I have to make sure that my daughter isn’t still throwing up; that my dad is eating something; that my mom gets a break; that my husband isn’t catching flu. There isn’t the time or luxury to be gripped in sadness. I feel it building inside me and I try harder and harder to shove it as far down as possible. If it gets too close to the surface, I am afraid that I will not be able to control it or be able to stuff it back in.
In this sadness, though, I have been thinking a lot about faith. I was thinking a lot about Job in the Bible because it seemed that I was seeing a lot of senseless pain and suffering around me. I remembered that Job went through a lot of loss, pain and suffering without a satisfying or humanly known reason. I have heard many sermons on Job, but it never made sense to me. It always seemed so cruel and un-Godlike. Several weeks ago, I was praying for a friend of mine and her situation that felt hopeless and impossible. The only prayer that came out of my mouth was a prayer for faith – to know that God was still in the midst of things that don’t make sense. Faith that good was still there.
I suddenly understood Job in that moment. Regardless of all the things that shook him, he still had faith. Things didn’t make a lot of sense, but he still believed and his faith didn’t waver. It didn’t mean that he didn’t feel sad, upset or questioned it. Through all of that, he knew that God was still there.
There were many moments this week (and in the past several weeks) that I just had to shout, “It sucks.” In these terrible moments, when things don’t make any sense, I cling on to my faith. I don’t know why terrible and horrific things happen, but I do know that God is still there.
I know God is still there because my daughter’s heart is still so soft and good, despite the fact that she has faced experiences that could’ve hardened her. I know God is still there because I see my mom cutting pieces of food to feed my dad since he is losing his ability to feed himself. She tirelessly and selflessly cares for my dad – regardless of what’s required of her to do so. I know God is still there because I see the people in my world standing with those facing tragedy – through social media, spreading awareness, donating money or physically being in those places to help those in need.
And I know God is still there because I know that this sadness will pass.